The shadows of ringdoves chanting but chasing nothing.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

12:43 AM

Now that I have the clue to it, the thing seems written visibly in his face. I have a photograph in which that look of detachment has been caught and intensified. It reminds me of what a woman once said of him - a woman who had loved him greatly. "Suddenly," she said, "the interest goes out of him. He forgets you. He doesn't care a rap for you - under his very nose..."
- H.G. Wells

I feel so sapped and so drained of all energy.

Mass PE was horrible, my friends are great, birthday dinner with Granny, and gong over to Cheston's house.

Cheston's "mini-party" (actually its open house), was pretty good I guess, lazed around alot without having my mind think of school stuff (I wont say at all, because I do every now and then, but it was better than usual). Thanks for the wonderful food. Oh, and I thought Wanting will be there, but she didn't go, so I ended up as the only girl -.-" But there were Cheston's sister's friends too. And I left my mark in many many areas of Cheston's room >.<

"I'm sorry, he said. I didn't mean to. But I find it...
What? I said, when he didn't go on.
Impersonal, he said."
- Atwood

Christine
12:43 AM

New years.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

7:10 PM

My first and last year celebrating New Year's in CJ, so there. I present you, my lovely class (:

And I know many are curious to see how "short" or long my hair is now, so here. But then again, is not that short, but at the same time it is somehow alot shorter now.

New year's have been pretty busy, but until now I haven't really gotten into the whole "CHEENA NEW YEAR" mood, and till now both Nig and I have been scolded or rather reprimanded in a joking manner by my mother a handful of times because we keep talking about each other's death and how we'll make each other jump from their grave. How auspicious (:

Christine
7:10 PM

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend

Sunday, January 25, 2009

9:32 PM

Reunion's never reunion anymore. Well, not exactly. My family's version of reunion means eating out, and our reunion only applies to our immediate family. Which therefore means, people attending reunion = 4.

Anyways, this year we decided to be funny and go eat Jap cuisine on CHINESE New Year's eve. Food was good at Tatsuya (I think, its called). We went to Park Hotel not knowing that they've already moved to Goodwood Park (and they've already been there for 4 months, damn outdated la pls!), and we were half an hour late for our dinner appointment. Best, I tell you.

OH, and I went to Eric today to get my hair done and he chopped off some of my curls ): Okay, its not much, as you can see for yourself in the pictures later, but still.. Emotional trauma, he's put me through. My hairrrr ): Then again, on a lighter note, he asked me (again, for like the dont-know-how-many-times) if I permed my hair elsewhere, and he said I really can maintain my curls. Yes yes, I am good (: I've permed my hair since like what, Nov 2007?

This year I decided (partly due to the nagging, but mainly due to me being so filial) to be a good girl and a very good one by helping Mommy pack up my own room. And all the packing's made my eczema worsen and its hurting so much ): As if Batam didn't already brought my Eczema back ): ): ): BUT, its for a good cause, so I shall stop whining and behaving like a complete brat, because I'm not. And no, Christian, I don't have a line of maids waiting to pack up my room for me, neither am I bimbotic! Too smart to be one (:

I'll let the pictures do the talking (:

Christine
9:32 PM

i'll pretend you can hear me.

9:57 AM

Its been busy, dinners after dinners after dinners, and reading Handmaid's Tale in between dishes. Nig got smarter and brought his lit text along too to read.

Anyway, yesterday after dinner with Uncle Cedric and his family I managed to rush down to Siglap, to Clarence's house, for the seniors' shooting barbeque, to reach in time when everyone else was about to leave. Okay, well not everyone. Some of them were about to leave. The girls left first, with Chris Lye and some others, I think. So the rest of us sat by the pool and drinked and talked about (army) life, and I just listened intently. I'm a good listener! Okay, well not really, I interrupted now and then telling them about my interest/dream of becoming a sniper and to shoot machine guns. And I still think red bull makes you sleep. So I only had a sip of red bull and vodka.

Then I went grocery shopping with Mommy and Daddy, thats what I love about them, I guess. They're so, different, sometimes. They're into these midnight-stay-up-late and shop or go prawning kinda stuff. Like how Mommy used to drag me out for Midnight shopping at Wisma on Friday nights.

I feel so random now, but its all coming out like word-vomit. I'm on an emotional rollercoaster every now and then..

I will say you, you, like an old love song.

Christine
9:57 AM

you're a candle in the window on a cold dark bitter night.

Friday, January 23, 2009

4:24 PM

Hiatus broken again, but I'm just coming online to say I really enjoyed CNY celebrations in school today. CJ Dance were really really good, but honestly (and unexpectedly), I loved ODAC's performance best. It was so entertaining and good, and relevant, and heart-warming, and touching, and so easy to relate to, and so awesome. Mr Lim can sing :O And he sings really well!

Went for Manicure and Pedicure, and ended up late to meet Dan, and I made him wait for me for an hour ): I'm really sorry! And we didn't get to go shopping in town in the end, maybe another time. Cause we both kinda had to go home. I needa go bathe and change and go for a family dinner too >.<

Bah, the family dinner's so last minute, so I can't go for the dinner with Gab and some of our classmates (plus Elijah)! ):

I NEED TO DO MY HOMEWORK TOO :O

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE ANYWAYS! (: (: (:
Maybe I'll break my hiatus to come upload some pictures for New Year too sometime later (:

Christine
4:24 PM

I am a happy girl.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

10:06 PM

Finally :D

I'm a happy girl! Going on hiatus for real this time (I think). Heh heh.

Christine
10:06 PM

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

1:37 AM

I can't believe I slept so early on today of all the days, why must I be feeling unwell today? ):

Damn. I wish I'd managed to stay up a little longer.

Christine
1:37 AM

cause i'd rather waste my life pretending than have to forget you for one whole minute

Monday, January 19, 2009

9:00 PM

Suffering from the usual Monday blues, which have been made alot worse by the fact that he wasn't here. Unlike in the past, where he'd be here to comfort and encourage me.

Mass PE only served to worsen the day, as if a Monday cannot get any worse. That sucked. Mass PE was torturous and tiring, especially sets. Honestly, I'd rather run 2.4/3.2km whatsoever than do sets. Its so, so, so.. horrible. But anyway the class made it really fun, having Yoke to entertain us for jumping jacks, Hazel to entertain us with abdominal lifts, etc etc. And Sab to enable me to laugh through the entire sets of exercises.

I ended up talking to Ryan last night till 3.30am :O Anyways, he spontaneously called me at about 1.30am and played Boston on the guitar and sang to it, I swear its really good. It was a good break I guess. And it was really nice of him to do so. There's a good reason to support his band, Armchair Critic, because he can sing so damn well!

Support ARMCHAIR CRITIC!

Christine
9:00 PM

Just hold on.

2:49 AM

When you love someone
And they break your heart
don’t give up on love
Have faith, restart
Just hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

When it falls apart
And your feeling lost
All your hope is gone
don’t forget to hold on, hold on

Christine
2:49 AM

determination and perseverance - a weakness

Sunday, January 18, 2009

11:52 PM

I'm completely hopeless at this, and I hate to say this. But I suck at getting over this whole facade, if it even is a facade. I can't concentrate. At all.

And my history's staring back at me blankly, my mind can't process. And its already 12am, but I've not completed my Maths, Econs, and History. I can't..

Its funny how Coach used to say determination and perseverance were my strong traits. Now they're actually traits which exist to cripple me. Perhaps. Till then, till my legs can no longer hold this weight, I'll always be this determined, and persevering. I can't be bothered about whats good for me anymore. I'll just stay this way, I'll try to get on with life, but I won't ever get over this. Unless there are unexpected changes in the situation..

Are you really happy now, with what you are, with how you live. Are you happy with not having what you can have? Because I'm not.. I'm not at all happy as what I make myself out to be, or even am able to make out to be. I'm not.

You think without you, I've got everything, when fact is I've got nothing without you, because I choose to not have anything.

.

I hear you're taking the town again
Havin' a good time with all your good-time friends
I don't think that you think of me
You're on your own now, and I'm alone and free
I know that I should get on with my life
But a life lived without you could never be right

As long as the stars shine down from the heavens,
Long as the rivers run to the sea,
I'll never get over you getting over me
I try to smile so the hurt won't show
Tell everybody I was glad to see you go
But the tears just won't go away (won't go away)
Loneliness found me, looks like it's here to stay
I know that I oughta find someone new
But all I find is myself always thinking of you

Oh, no matter what I do,
Each night's a lifetime to live through
I can't go on like this
I need your touch
You're the only one I've ever loved

And as long as the stars shine down from the heavens,
Long as the rivers run to the sea,
I'll never get over you getting over me
(I'll never get over you getting over)
Never get over you getting over
I'll never get over you getting over me

Christine
11:52 PM

I'm still addicted to you.

9:03 PM

This song's just so apt to describe my thoughts now, its so wrong yet so right. Its ironical.

I never wanted to stop trying, and I never got to give up completely. Not even now. I'd try this all over again, I'd go through it all over, I would. Even then I don't know why I'm still waiting. And, you'd prolly think I deserve this, afterall, I let you down first, even I think I do too. I never meant for this..

.

I heard you're doing okay
But I want you to know
I'm a-dic
I'm addicted to you
I can't pretend I don't care
When you don't think about me
Do you think I deserve this?

I tried to make you happy but you left anyway

I'm trying to forget that
I'm addicted to you
But I want it and I need it
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never wanna do this again
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker

Since the day I met you
And after all we've been through
I'm still a-dic
I'm addicted to you
I think you know that it's true
I'd run a thousand miles to get you
Do you think I deserve this?

I tried to make you happy
I did all that I could
Just to keep you
But you left anyway

I'm trying to forget that
I'm addicted to you
But I want it and I need it
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never wanna do this again
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker

How long will I be waiting?
Until the end of time
I don't know why I'm still waiting
I can't make you mine

I'm trying to forget that
I'm addicted to you
But I want it and I need it
I'm addicted to you

Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never wanna do this again
Heartbreaker

Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker

Christine
9:03 PM

what am i supposed to do when the best part of me has always been you?

12:31 PM

Going to bed last night after blogging turned to another procrastination, once again. Ryan and I ended up talking till 5am. So much for dying laptop battery. I'm glad I've got company though, I kinda know I wouldn't have been able to sleep earlier too.

Anyways, since Ryan's a friend I've known for years (since Sec1 or 2), and he's been great company.. Please support ARMCHAIR CRITIC! They're really good anyways, and I personally like the band too (:

http://www.myspace.com/armchaircritic

(:

Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night

Christine
12:31 PM

we - we could have had the sun.

2:44 AM

I just got home and I don't feel like sleeping now. I have this strange tendency of tiring myself out everyday so I'd collapse and fall asleep the minute I got into bed. Nights used to be one of the worse times of the day, together with mornings, when I first wake up. So I've found my solution to sleep after all. But now that I have I find myself tired every single minute of the day, I'm wearing thin mentally, I don't know how long more I can take this. I just occupy my time, every single second to keep my mind busy and distracted. My eyes are hurting so much they feel like they're popping out of their sockets.

Anyways today was okay, after church was pretty eventful, Mom, Dad, Grandma and I went to ECP for dinner, and to Taka to shop. First stop was (without a doubt) Coach, and I almost bought this shoe from there after trying and all, but decided in the end not to because the prints was so similar to my previous pair I bought, and the design is more-or-less similar, so I opted out in the end. But Mommy and I bought this pair of heels from Nine West and this other pair from Enzo Angiolini. She then bought her clothes, and just before we left I managed to buy a dress and a top that caught my eye. Hahha, so much for "Christine, keep your eyes shut, no more clothes and shoes for you!".

Headed to the prata shop near NUS for supper (sinfullll!), before going to the fish wholesale center in Woodlands (which, by the way, only opens at 12am). I swear I'm not going in ever again, neither am I setting foot in a fish market, ever. Its a horrible place. In my opinion, fish markets = dystopia. I know, extreme, but true. I never thought fishes could smell that bad, and now I don't think they do but I KNOW they do. Mommy says its an "exposure". I say its a "TRAUMATISING EXPERIENCE".

3 things I hate most about the fish market:
1. This guy who could have just said excuse me, had to touch my back just to get through (and who knows how many fishes he'd have already touched before, and I can bet its more than a 100), I was so grossed out after that.
2. Another guy was sorting out the fishes, and he had this whole pail of HUGGGGEEE fishes (which actually scares me), and he kicked it in my direction, I swear I could have felt the wind coming along with it, and I shrieked and jumped forward before the tail touched my leg (thank God!).
3. I am aware of how bratty and spoilt I sound now, but I'm horrified at the sight/thought of a fish market, and I'm even more mortified by my thoughts and opinions of a fish market.

Gonna go off now. AND HONESTLY, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO HIATUS??! o.O

When we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover
And my best friend
All wrapped into one
With a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden
you went and left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shock
That spun me around
And now my heart's dead
I feel so empty and hollow

.

Cause now I'm using like I bleed
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby you're my disease

Christine
2:44 AM

TGIALY; Thank God Its A Levels Year.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

12:09 AM

Truly, for once. I'm glad I'm busy, I'm glad I've got work on my hands, I'm glad I've got many things to do, nevermind that I'm not doing them. But at least there IS something to do when I need distraction, temporary distraction, because I can never take my mind away at all, to be honest.

Even now, but still, I know what he wants is not us anymore. Not anymore.

I don't wanna do my 7 and a half questions of maths. I don't even wanna look at it. I'm gonna disappoint Mr Lim. Bah!

Its funny now, how academics and studies have turned into my source of support. Maths, Economics, History, Literature; what with International Trade, Statistics, Kashmir Dispute, Religious Fundamentalism, and Handmaid's Tale and Othello/Great Expectations (which I've not read yet), they hold me together now, at least for now.

Anyways, school today was okay, its practically lecture day. 3 lectures in a row and PE lecture was the worse by far. Worse than history, lit, econs, or GP, or tied. But what made my day was Xiuwen coming back to visit us, being able to see her, feel her presence, and give her a big hug whenever I feel like it, leaning on her shoulder while having my hands around her waist, that made my day. I missed Xiuwen, I missed her so much. And her letter for me was so sweet, I'll miss her even more. I love you, Xiuu!

Had PT with the shooting club, and training and briefing and addressing the shooters. Jo and I then intended to go support the hockey players at CCAB but Fel wasn't playing and it was only the guys so we decided to give it a miss, maybe next time. Lazed around at Toa Payoh's park till 9pm before we decided to make our way back..

I miss you, very very much. But theres nothing I can do. Has it not been long enough? Isn't it time for you to come back now? Come back now?

Christine
12:09 AM

its like walking on broken glass.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

9:58 PM

Moped around the range for the first 3/4 of the time. My shots were screwed (big time), I shot all over the black circle. And one 6 even. Managed to pick myself up later, cast aside (as much as I can), or rather, tried putting them behind, burying my thoughts, and shot better. I shot 3 shots to compete against Bradley, because he won the others, and I scored 30/30. Full points, total ownage!

Anyways, I have a great sense of accomplishment, for finishing my History homework, and being able to hand them up on time. For once. At least now I know a little more about the Kashmir dispute. A little. Haha, thats like an overstatement. Its more like minimal, ah well.

Thank you all, for always being by my side!

.

We don’t have time left to regret(hold on)
It will take more than common sense(hold on)
So stop your wondering take a stand(hold on)
Theres more to life than just to live(hold on)

Cause an empty room can be so loud
Its too many tears to drown them out
So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

One single smile a helping hand(hold on)
Its not that hard to be a friend(hold on)
So don’t give up stand 'til the end(hold on)
Theres more to life than just to live(hold on)

Cause an empty room can be so loud
Its too many tears to drown them out
So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

When you love someone
And they break your heart
don’t give up on love
Have faith, restart
Just hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

When it falls apart
And your feeling lost
All your hope is gone
don’t forget to hold on, hold on

Cause an empty room can be so loud
Its too many tears to drown them out
So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

When you love someone
And they break your heart
don’t give up on love
Have faith, restart
Just hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

Cause an empty room can be so loud
Its too many tears to drown them out
So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

When you love someone
And they break your heart
don’t give up on love
Have faith, restart
Just hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

Christine
9:58 PM

apology, disappointment, past, letting go, school, shooting, friends, homework, goodbye.

1:10 AM

What happened to hiatus? I know I know, I'll stop blogging after today, there are just some things I need to get off my chest (and even more).

I'm already feeling the pressure from the teachers, especially when they go through the scheme of work for each subject and go, "In week 10 you will be taking your Common Tests, and then you'll have Mid-Years a few weeks later, and Prelims in September, and 5 weeks later will be your A levels." and there, reality sets in. "Set" here seems to be an understatement. It doesn't just settle nicely into your head, it crashes in. Oh, its already (nearing the end of) the 2nd week. And its not helping that I already have so many things on my mind (that I can't get it out), so many unwanted things sometimes.

I don't feel anymore. I am clouded. All the things you've said, from the beginning to the end, just keeps playing again, like a cassette tape set on 'play', a player with a faulty 'stop' button. I don't have a choice. I'm going under. I can't stay afloat no matter how much I want to, or how much my friends are trying to help me. At this point in time, I just want to say I'm really really sorry for all I've done to hurt you, unintentionally. I swear, I've never meant to do any harm to you. I never wanted to hurt you or make you sad, fact is. If there was anything in this world I wanted to protect, it would have been definitely you. But I can't. Unknowingly I've brought you pain and sadness and I've made the wrong, most wrong assumptions in the world, and I can never atone for the mistakes I've done. Its so weird, the one relationship I wanted to make it work turned out to be the one I screwed up. And I just can't complain anymore.

Secretly, I keep my phone with me all the time to wait for you to (finally) message me. But the finally never came. Maybe we're just too raw and sore to be friends now.

I gotta get over it, get back up. I'm shutting all else out, at least for now. Till I've recuperated enough, if it is the appropriate word. Till I'm better, till I'm stronger. I can't think, at all, because you're in my mind, all the time. I can't even sleep without thinking of you, and now, I have to cast them all aside. Willing or not, I have to. And maybe when I'm fine again we can all be friends and start anew, maybe, if you want to too.

On a lighter note, today's class wasn't too bad. Mr Glascow was (as usual), hilarious and good. Loved his lesson. And GP wasn't too bad today because I downed a can of coffee just before class, thanks Patsy for thinking of that idea, and helping me to get it, and all my friends trying their very best to keep me awake and surviving through the lesson, Justin's definitely great help, and Jacq feeding me bits and pieces of info on the front roll people, and Pat kicking my chair every few minutes, and Wee pulling my hair everytime Pat kicks my chair, and Fel, for lauging along with them. Oh, right, I never got to explain. Wee and Pat are sitting behind me, and so they came up with this "brilliant" plan of theirs (ok, I admit. its pretty good, for them, at my expense) which is that whenver I doze off, Pat will kick my chair and Wee will pull my hair so I hae to wake up. Okay, and then maths was confusing UNTIL I saw the light that shone down from the heavens and parted the clouds (okay hyperbole), and understood what was going on, a little. We celebrated Sam and Melvin's belated birthdays today too, with a Chocz cake!

Going to training was not bad, because I had people with me to talk to me to keep my mind off thinking especially when I'm travelling. Bus-ed to TP MRT with Just, Benjamin, and Azmi, Joanne (who was with her entire track team) and Met Daniel Lau at Bishan MRT and we went to Safra together. And it was a horrifying moment of realization when I found out that: I mistook my denim mini skirt for my denim three-quarters and had to shoot in my CJ skirt. Daniel.L wanted to lend me the berms he was wearing (so sweet, I know), and he can wear my skirt to shoot, ok no just kidding. He has extra pants -.-" Sebastian helped me with my gripping and all (thanks alot!) and saved my hair from being ripped off my head, and Sam.T and I managed to ketchupz a bit, managed to see the very very adorable but (can be) annoying-at-some-times St Pats sec 2 shooters, haha. Ted, Dylan, oh, theres Nits and Sameer too. Overall, my first training at Safra for 2009 was pleasant (except for the scores/shots), and I'm really glad I got to meet people whom I've saw so much the past year and people I share a common interest in.

Anyways, if I wanted to wait for Mom and Dad to pick me I'd have to wait for about an hour or so, not that I wasn't willing to, but Daniel.L's parents gave me a lift instead. And initially I was reluctant (I already told him no once), because I was shy (even meeting just friends' parents. aww, I know), but he jst brushed my concerns off this time. Anyway, my concerns turned out unnecessary, because they were such easy-going people and they were so nice to talk to, it was so easy talking to them. So we engaged in open discussions and everything on the way back, and even when his Dad went to buy dinner for his family. I swear, they are really really interesting. And to reciprocate their kind gesture I have to remind Daniel.L to study for A levels. Haha, although I hardly see how its necessary (come on lah, RJ know), but he seemed okay with the whole idea when his dad asked me to encourage Daniel.L to study. Surprise, surprise.

So what the hell am I doing here when I still have 1 SBQ, Section B of Econs Tutorial, 3 GP lines to write (so lame, I'll write them 2 minutes before his lesson tmr) and 7 and a half maths questions (but not impt, can hand up on Friday :x)?

Oh, and I feel so accomplished I have to blog about this. I was dozing off just now and I kept telling myself that I cannot, and MUST NOT break my resolution which is to finish all my homework and assignments on time, which then leads me to my next resolution which is to stay in class for all the lessons and not get thrown out, in which the second resolution will be broken if I break the first one now.

And can I thank all my fabulous friends for staying by my side? Yes I can, and I will even if you say I can't (?!).

Especially Jon who checks on me regularly. The very first person to find out because of my indecent exposure (HAHA, kididng), no, because I forgot about it completely and reached out to take stuff, and have been constantly reminding me that they're all here for me.
Jo, for messaging me constantly too, and always always, never fails to be here for me. I love you, holy shit (haha, inside joke). You crack me up all the time, and thank you for listening to me, just listening is enough, you know. Its good to know you're here.
Fel, omg oreoz pls. Love you many many muchy. For all your nonsense and shitxz.
Sab the whale-trafficker-saver (lol, inside joke again), and all your nonsensical intellectual jokes. You can really really make me laugh, I tell you. dot dot dot woman!
Sebastian, for messaging me almost every other second of the day when you're not busy and I've replied, to encourage me when I'm down, especially when I'm down.
Thank you for being here, lubxz you very very much. And all who's not listed. I've not forgotten you all!

Beneath all the smiles and laughs, is emptiness. Its sadness and heart-aches. I refuse to go down. I refuse.

Damn! Its 2am, and I'm still here. WTH?

KTHXBYE!

Christine
1:10 AM

why not now?

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

6:07 PM

I'm a train wreck in the morning
I'm a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
I'm a puzzle yes in deed
Ever complex in every way
And all the pieces aren't even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day.

I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that's why I love you

I neglect you when I'm working
When I need attention I tend to nag
I'm a host of imperfection
And you see past all that
I'm a peasant by some standards
But in your eyes I'm a queen
You see potential in all my flaws
and that's exactly what I mean.

I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
and that's why I love you

You used to be able to, so why can't you be there for me this one last time, when I need you to?
Just when I'm trying to change all these flaws..

Christine
6:07 PM

i can't do this anymore.

5:42 PM

Less than a day of hiatus and I'm already blogging. So much for going on hiatus. I can't think at all. I've got so much homework left undone, and yet all I can think of is him and his smile, keep holding on because maybe, just maybe, he'd find out how much he means to me..

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...

.

Dearest love,
I hope this message finds you well
As these endless thoughts drip from my soul
Every single word secretly paints a fairytale
Of when we will melt into one...

Eyes forfeit sight to the pain
Cold scalpel's steel whispers tear at my very core
As I cling to my memories of you
I am so scared... So scared... I need you with me

Were the last words that I wrote for you enough to tell you
That in my death the light that shone through my painful darkness
Was a blinding vision of your eternal smile?

It's me again,
Is it me or am I wrong to be concerned?
Will the beauty of your pen ever cross my eyes again?
Was this all a lie? Why?

Were the last words that I wrote for you enough to tell you
That in my death the light that shone through my painful darkness
Was a blinding vision of your eternal smile?

Christine
5:42 PM

HIATUS.

Monday, January 12, 2009

8:20 PM

Going on hiatus from now. I have to stop blogging sooner or

later and if I don't stop now I prolly never will. I'll blog once

every now and then, but I doubt it'll be often. So, till then.

.

"When you love someone and the break your heart, don't give up on love, have faith, restart."
-Sean's MSN nickname.

Remember the first day when I saw your face?
Remember the first day when you smiled at me?
You stepped to me, and then you said to me,
I was the woman you dreamed about.
Remember the first day when you called my house?
Remember the first day when you took me out?
We had butterflies although we tried to hide it,
And we both had a beautiful night.

The way we held each other's hand,
The way we talked, the way we laughed,
It felt so good to find true love
I knew right then and there you were the one
Ooh oh oooh

Remember the first day, the first day we kissed?
Remember the first day we had an argument?
We apologized, and then we compromised
And we haven't argued since
Remember the first day we stopped playing games?
Remember the first day you fell in love with me?
It felt so good for you to say those words
Cause I felt the same way too

The way we held each other's hand,
The way we talked, the way we laughed
It felt soo good to fall in love
And I knew right then and there you were the one ooh oh ohhwoah

I'm so happy, so happy that you're in my life
And baby now that you're a part of me
You showed me,
Showed me the true meaning of love (the true meaning of love)
And I know he loves me

I know that he loves me, cause he told me so
I know that he loves me, cause his feelings show
When he stares at me you see he cares for me
You see how he is so deep in love
I know that he loves me cause it's obvious
I know that he loves me cause it's me he trusts
And he's missing me, if he's not kissing me
And when he looks at me his brown eyes tell his soul
He looks at me and his brown eyes...
Tell his soul

.

Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say what's on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened

All I could do was cry
All I could do was cry
I was losing the man that i love
And all I could do was cry

Christine
8:20 PM

Sunday, January 11, 2009

7:47 PM

How? Why do you make it seem so easy? Why say I'll get over it soon when you know its impossible.

.

Ten to five atleast we tried
We're still alive but hope just died
As they close the door behind you
Whistle blows and tons of steel
Shake the ground beneath the wheels
As I wish I never found you

How can I be smiling when you're gone
Will I be strong enough to carry on

Christine
7:47 PM

7:35 PM

I'm resigned to my fate.
My doors will be bolted too, soon.
When I figured out how.
You'll never see what we could have had,
You'll never live the life we could have lead.
You'll never see anymore..

And I said, oh, honey baby thats a dead end

.

Love of my life, you hurt me,
You broken my heart, now you leave me.

Love of my life cant you see,
Bring it back bring it back,
Dont take it away from me,
Because you dont know what it means to me.

Love of my life dont leave me,
Youve stolen my love now desert me,

Love of my life cant you see,
Bring it back bring it back,
Dont take it away from me,
Because you dont know what it means to me.

You will remember when this is blown over,
And everythings all by the way,
When I grow older,
I will be there by your side,
To remind how I still love you
I still love you.

Hurry back hurry back,
Dont take it away from me,
Because you dont know what it means to me.

Love of my life,
Love of my life.

Christine
7:35 PM

9:16 AM

If you teach me how, I just may be able to learn it now.

Going to school.

Christine
9:16 AM

8:20 AM

I can't think..

Christine
8:20 AM

7:04 AM

Can't sleep at all.
My eyes won't close.
My heart's gone wild.
I'm gonna bury my head in books for now.

Christine
7:04 AM

6:24 AM

My heart's beating so quickly it doesn't even feel like a heart anymore. More like a machine in its place. Its beating so quickly to the extent that it hurts my stomach, I think my body system's weird and warped.

I am warped.

Christine
6:24 AM

3:38 AM

Slow down, the world isn't watching us break down
It's safe to say we are alone now, we're alone now
Not a whisper, the only noise is the receiver
I'm counting the seconds until you break the silence
So please just break the silence

The whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turn into laughter
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I have just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

Christine
3:38 AM

3:27 AM

And now
The hills are getting hard to climb
I'm runnin' out of time
My decisions are pending on you
And I will accept the blame
for burnin' out the flame
Hoping the story will twist once again
If I could turn back the time
I would put you first in my life

And I would risk it all for you
to prove my love is true
I'll build a wall around my heart
that would only break a part for you
Can change the way I feel
so tell me what's the deal
Don't say
Don't say it's too late

Now I'm
Layin' it all on the line
For you

Christine
3:27 AM

3:18 AM

I didn't mean to let you down
You have to believe it
I don't know what went through my mind
But now I can see

That I waited too long
To tell you how much it matters
Just to be right here with you
But I couldn't think of anything better
I should have told you so

Baby open your heart
Won't you give me a second chance
And i'll be here forever
Open your heart
Let me show you how much I care
And I will make you understand
If you open your heart
To love me once again

I'll try to make it up to you
I want you to know
Baby I swear that I'll be true
And never let go
If I waited too long
To tell you how much it matters
Just to be right here with you
But I couldn't think of anything better
I should have told you so

Baby open your heart
Won't you give me a second chance
And i'll be here forever
Open your heart
Let me show you how much I care
And I will make you understand
If you open your heart
To love me once again

We could relive this pain and sorrow
But we better do it in time
Start over here and save tomorrow
I wanna make you mine

Open your heart with a chance
And I'll be here forever
Open your heart and I'll care
And I will make you understand
Oh baby,
If you open your heart
To love me once again

Baby open your heart
Won't you give me a second chance
And I'll be here forever
Open your heart
Let me show you how much I care
And I will make you understand
If you open your heart
To love me once again

Christine
3:18 AM

3:01 AM

How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking
Every breath with you oohhhh
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
There's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me, is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
There's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
So Take a look at me now
Cause there's just an empty space
But to wait for you is
All I can do
And that's what I've got to face.
Take a good look at me now
'Cause l'll still be standing (standing here)
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That's the chance I've got to take
(chance I got to take, got to takeeee)

Yeahhhhh
Take A look at me now
(Take A Look at me nowwwww)

Christine
3:01 AM

2:55 AM

Day after day
Time passed away
And I just can't get you off my mind
Nobody knows, I hide it inside
I keep on searching but I can't find

The courage to show to letting you know
I've never felt so much love before

And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know
If I let you go?

Night after night I hear myself say
Why can't this feeling just fade away
There's no one like you (no one like you)
You speak to my heart (speak to my heart)
It's such a shame we're worlds apart

I'm too shy to ask, I'm too proud to lose
But sooner or later I gotta choose
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me? (oh yeah)
How will I know
If I let you go ?

If I let you go ooooh baby
Ooooooooohhhhh

Once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out
Ooooooooohhhhh

But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
(close to me)
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know
(if I let you go?)
But if I let you go I will never know
(oh baby)
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
(oh yeah)
How will I know
If I let you go ?

Christine
2:55 AM

2:34 AM

i've been trying. i just don't understand.

i know, i can't give up.

Christine
2:34 AM

1:43 AM

why this again?

Christine
1:43 AM

CJC OPEN HOUSE 2009; PANORAMA + SUPPER AT SIMPANG (:

12:35 AM

I'm a day, oh wait, 2 days late, but heck. I'll blog about Friday (:

Went to school at about 11+am to set up the booths and the banner for CJ's Open House. I was late, slightly, and Evelyn messaged me when I was already at City Hall and her message was, "OMG I FORGOT TO BRING MY MEDALS!" and my reply was, "OMG! ME TOO!" and I called Chris.L and he said, "me too.". HAHA, so we decided to send everyone else a reminder. Best, I tell you. President and Vice President reminds everyone else but forgets to bring the medals themselves. In the end we only had some medals, pretty sad. Haha.

Anyways, Junyi came with the waterguns and we were having our share of fun and we all were soaked from our own water-CS match, even before the open house started. We all had fun, I think, because I sure did. Reliving our childhoods, basically. Camwhored, played with the watergun even more, camped outside the boys toilet to wait for Richmond to come out because he stole my watergun (we had like 5 girls camping outside the boys toilet, and we almost open-watered at some other random guy. HAHA), watched Dance performance, watched the basketballers dance, tried to do History homework (but failed miserably because I never even opened it), ran around to shoot at people/avoid getting shot by people, etc etc. I'd say Jo was my worse victim. Lol.

Then halfway throughout the open house, in between all the announcements to inform visitors of what is the next performance/dance, there was this announcement: The shooting club would like to report 4 missing water pistols, if any of you has it or find it, please return it to any shooter at the shooting booth in the quadrangle, thank you. (something along the line) :O

Anyway Clas very kindly emailed us the pictures and Aaron replied;
"what the freak?! hahha someone attempted uupskirt sia omgg!" and thats what I thought too when I saw the picture, and I was trying to see who's legs were these, and I found out.. thats MY shoe -.-" (yes yes i cant recognise my own legs)

I kinda appreciate Open House so much more, because it brings me closer to my fellow shooters in CJ, and I really really like them! They made Open House such a fun event (which could have easily been a boring one without them). LuRrBb yOu AlL mAnY mAnY (w0rRhHxX) :D

Oh, AND THANKS EVERYONE FOR MAKING THIS EVENT A FUN ONE! :D

After that I 966-ed back with Ivan (we ran into each other at the bus stop) to Eunos, and met Dan at the MRT station. Found out I actually had time to go home and bathe, so Dan accompanied me home first. Bathed and changed before Nig, Dan, and myself cabbed to Simpang Bedok for our supper with Cheston the Cow before he leaves for Sydney again. I'm glad Dan came :D

Quite a number of people could make it this time; Cheston, Gerald Mak, Mark, Akshay,Wanting, John, Edwin, Jeremy.Y, Nig, Dan and myself. (WHERES AYDAN?? o.O)

We had a mini-celebration for Wanting too because her birthday's tomorrow (okay, well, technically today)! :D

After dinner it was left with Cheston, John, Dan, Nig and myself, after the rest of them had to leave first, so we cam-whored, as usual. Haha, if you take a close look at the background, you'll actually notice its the same road and same place as where we cam-whored the other time too. Lol.